


Alone at night

by FleetingPieces



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Azkaban, M/M, Marauders, POV Sirius Black, Panic Attacks, Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban, Sad Sirius Black, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:01:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27375373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FleetingPieces/pseuds/FleetingPieces
Summary: A really short, very angsty piece about Sirius having trouble at night after Azkaban
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 42





	Alone at night

**Author's Note:**

> It was 4 am and my brain told me it would be okay to write this.  
> Picture me crying right after I started writing and singing over and over “Just did a bad thinggg, I regret the thing I diddd”
> 
> Trigger warning: panic attacks, trauma, mention of major character’s death

Sirius sat up in bed abruptly, his ragged breathing coming in painful bursts, and looked around at the empty space next to him.

“Remus?”

Everything was silent and dark, _oh so very dark_ and for a moment Sirius thought he was back in his damp cell, with looming black figures closing in on him.

“Re, where are you?” his voice came out shaky as the panic started to wrap its nasty claws around his neck. He looked around frantically for any sign of Remus, any sign that he was really in their old bedroom and that it hadn't all been just a dream. 

Curling in on himself, Sirius wrapped his arms around him to keep himself together, trying to block the images from flashing in his head. He didn’t want to give them anymore of his memories, he needed those to stay sane, he didn’t want to forget the few good years he’d had in his life. But as the cold started creeping in on him, fear rose like bile in his throat and he hugged himself tighter.

“No no no, please don’t,” he chanted over and over.

He could see everything flashing in front of his eyes, the same two memories that had been playing out in his head for over a decade: the night his two best friends were murdered, and the night he let Remus walk away from him. The moments when he’d lost everything.

Those were his most painful, devastating memories. The pain he’d gone through as a kid, the years of torture and abuse, were absolutely nothing if compared to those two.

Compared to rushing to his best mate’s house after he heard the news, only to find a pile of rubble, the house where they had built so many memories together, where they’d built a family, broken. Sirius had broken then too. His mind had snapped like an elastic band, because surely it couldn’t be true. Lily and James couldn’t be dead.

Nothing could have prepared him for the undeniable evidence he’d found between the rocks as he’d inspected the ruins.

And then Hagrid was there, holding baby Harry, and all Sirius wanted to do was take him with him, protect him, make sure he was happy.

He should have fought harder for his godson. He should have insisted on taking Harry with him, but then he’d thought perhaps it was for the best. If he had failed to keep his best friend safe, why would it be any different regarding his son?

He’d failed Remus too. Sirius had tried to convince Remus to confess about being the spy, to tell the truth about what he’d been doing, to come back to their side. It was the first time Sirius had seen Remus so broken since the Marauder’s had told him they knew he was a werewolf, and Remus had thought they hated him. Sirius hadn’t understood the connection between those two moments right then, he’d just wanted to make Remus see the light again.

He had been so, so stupid. A fucking blinded fool.

Remus had left, and that was the last time Sirius had seen him. 

Mistakes. So many, many mistakes he’d made.

"I did this, I did this, I did this"

He started trembling and a whine escaped his lips. That noise brought a thought to the front of his mind, something that could help him against the monsters surrounding him. He promptly changed into Padfoot, and curled in a tight circle, glancing up between his paws at the shadows lurking around. He whimpered as they started getting closer and closer, other noises he didn’t quite identify ringing in the background.

Then another figure appeared a bit further away, took a look at him and rushed forward.

“Sirius?”

Padfoot whined, hiding his face as much as he could beneath his paws when the figure reached his side and kneeled next to him.

“Pads! What’s wrong?” A hand reached out to stroke his head, and as it did, Sirius caught a whiff of its scent.

Was this a trick of his mind? He’d had many of those over the years too. But the concern and love in this voice was not usually there when Sirius had been locked up. In those cases it was mainly an accusatory tone. _It’s all your fault_ , it would say.

He looked up and there was Remus, his amber eyes fixed on him without a trace of the hate he’d come to expect, just trying to assess the situation, and he was just so gorgeous that it was too much. A small noise of distress escaped his canine throat, and he nuzzled into a shocked Remus, who wrapped his arms around him tightly, burying his face in his fur.

“I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry,” Remus started saying. He was on the brink of tears, and even in his animal mind, Sirius could tell that Remus was only holding on because of him. Remus understood exactly what Sirius had been going through, and that thought alone filled his broken chest.

Sirius transformed back to his own body so he could hug Remus just as tight, his hands fisting the back of Remus’ jumper.

“I thought you were gone,” Sirius sobbed. “I thought I was back there, that I’d lost you again.”

“It’s ok, you are ok, I’m here, I’m with you,” Remus choked out, his voice sounding strained, but he never stopped murmuring soothing words into Sirius’ ear until he calmed down. Being held like this, Sirius had no idea how he had survived his darkest years without Remus by his side.

As the first rays of sun filtered in the room, Sirius promised himself he would do everything in his power so that nothing would take them apart again.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for the angst y'all  
>  ~~Please feel free to ignore the fact that he dies two years after this, I sure as hell do~~
> 
> Feel free to drop by my [tumblr](https://fleetingpieces.tumblr.com/) :)


End file.
